


Mating Rituals

by Beefmaster



Category: Silicon Valley (TV)
Genre: First Kiss, Humor, M/M, drunk Richard, kind of?, this is a sex comedy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-07
Updated: 2018-03-07
Packaged: 2019-03-28 09:37:27
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,020
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13901286
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Beefmaster/pseuds/Beefmaster
Summary: Richard has the greatest idea he's ever had.  Ever.





	Mating Rituals

**Author's Note:**

> ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯

When Richard was 13, he decided that the best way to impress girls would be to get really good at picking locks.  So he saved up all his allowance to buy a lock picking set and got really good at picking locks. It didn’t help him with girls, but it is the reason he has ended up in the situation he is in now.

 

Ok, part of the reason.  Another reason is that 4 years ago, Richard Hendricks walked away from 10 million dollars, and the most wonderful, kind, intelligent, beautiful man followed him.

 

And if you went backwards in time again, another reason he is currently in his predicament is that somehow in his childhood, Richard missed the lesson on how to communicate with people in a normal way, so now he’s left with absolutely no way to let Jared  _ know  _ how wonderful, kind, intelligent, and beautiful he is, and how much Richard wants him.

 

And if you go forwards in time again, you’ll come to the final reason that Richard is in his Current Situation, which is that Richard got really drunk with Bighead and on his way home from the bar he came up with the  _ perfect  _ solution to his problem.

 

Which is why he took a Lyft to Jared’s condo, picked the lock with the lockpick set he always keeps in his wallet (for sentimental reasons), stripped himself completely naked, got on Jared’s bed, stuck his ass in the air, and waited.  

 

_ This is a foolproof plan,  _ he thinks smugly.   _ Now I don’t have to talk, my asshole will communicate for me. _  The plan is so elegant, Richard is shocked it took him getting tequila-drunk to come up with it.   _ This is how the animals do it, and Jared loves animals.  And I love Jared.  _ Even his Lyft driver seemed to approve of his plan, although her English didn’t seem all that strong, so it’s possible she misunderstood him when he said he was going to present himself.  Honestly, the only flaw he has found in this plan so far is that he doesn’t know exactly when Jared is getting home, and he doesn’t really have the upper body strength to prop himself up indefinitely.  He lies down on Jared’s bed, waiting to hear the door open to get back up again. 

 

Finally, Richard hears the sound of keys in the lock.  Richard, in a stroke of genius, had remembered to lock the door after breaking in.  He wouldn’t want Jared to see the unlocked door and call the police before he got a chance to see Richard.  Richard quickly returns to his position, face down, butt sticking up in the air, waiting for Jared. 

 

Richard hears Jared’s voice from the living room.  Is Jared with someone? Oh no. Oh no oh no that is NOT good.  But Richard only hears one set of footsteps, maybe Jared is on the phone? 

 

“He’s brilliant, Gloria,” he says,  Richard hears Jared set his satchel down on the kitchen counter.  “He’s, gosh, he’s a genius, and so driven-” Jared pauses, presumably listening to Gloria on the other end.   _ Is that… me?  _ Richard thinks, flushing with pride.  It is him, it’s definitely him, oh God, this was a better idea than he could have imagined-

 

“He’s such a catch,” Jared continues.  Richard can hear his footsteps moving toward the bedroom.  “But sometimes I worry about who will end up catching him.”  The door to the bedroom creaks open.  _ This is it, this is my moment,  _ RIchard thinks.  He sticks his ass up even higher.  

 

“Oh my God!” Jared screams.  Then into the phone, he says, “Gloria?  I have to go. I have… something I need to deal with.”   _ Yeah, that’s right,  _ Richard thinks.   _ You’ve got to deal with this gorgeous piece of ass laid out for you in your own bedroom.  Fucking- deal with me, Jared, deal with me HARD.  _

 

“Um, who is that?”  Jared asks, searchingly.  Okay, here’s problem number two with Richard’s plan:  Jared’s never seen him from this angle, so of course he doesn’t recognize him.

 

“It’s me,”  Richard slurs, in what he hopes is a sexy voice.  So maybe his mouth has to do a little communicating too.  That’s fine. 

 

“Richard?”  What- what are you doing?”

 

“Waiting for you,”  Richard coos. It’s taking Jared much longer to pick up on this than Richard had thought.

 

“Are you hurt?”  Jared comes around the side of the bed, so he can see Richard’s face.  

 

_ No!   _ Richard thinks,  _ You’re not supposed to be looking at my face!  That’s the whole point!  _ Ok, Jared clearly isn’t getting this.  He’s going to have to spell it out. “Jared, take me,” he wails into Jared’s comforter.

 

“Oh, oh!” Jared says, startled.  “Um, Richard, perhaps we should… talk about this.”

 

“Let’s let our bodies do the talking,” Richard says, which he knows was a dumb thing to say as soon as it leaves his mouth.  He wriggles his butt in a manner he hopes is enticing.

 

“No, I- I think we ought to talk with our mouths.  Er, oh, well, I suppose that could be a euphemism too, but I didn’t- let me get you a blanket.”  

 

Jared turns to the closet, and Richard collapses face down onto the bed.  Once again, a  _ brilliant  _ plan of his has been foiled.  Jared returns to lay a soft, blue blanket over Richard.  

 

“There, you should be warmer this way,” Jared says, backing away from the bed.  “So Richard, you came to my apartment in the hopes that I would... copulate with you?”

 

“I  _ came  _ with the hope that you would  _ fuck  _ me,” Richard replies, petulantly.  This is frustrating enough without Jared using words like “copulate.” Richard sits up, his bare chest free of the (admittedly very cozy) blanket.  “Ok, Jared, if you want to talk, let’s talk.”

 

“Richard, how drunk are you?” Jared asks.  He averts his eyes, but not before Richard catches Jared looking at his chest.  One time in college, a girl on his hall told him he had a “nice chest, for a scrawny guy.”  He was so embarrassed at the time that he walked to the showers fully dressed and changed in the stall for the rest of the year.  Now, 11 years later, it seems that girl was right, because Jared’s eyes keep flicking back to his nipples. Richard smirks, and sticks his chest out further.  

 

“Fairly drunk,” he admits. “But this- this came first.  The wanting you. Before the tequila.”

 

“Let me get you a glass of water,” Jared says, and flees to the  kitchen. Richard waits patiently for him for a solid two minutes, but eventually, he gives up and follows Jared into the kitchen, wrapping the blanket around his shoulders.  The edge of the blanket trails behind him, and Richard can’t help but feel like a woman in an extravagant fur trimmed nightgown. 

 

Richard finds Jared at the counter, pouring him a glass of water from a Brita filter.  Richard walks up to Jared, stands beside him. Suddenly, he realizes exactly where his plan went wrong.  He didn’t  _ present _ himself to Jared, Jared walked in on him already presented.  No wonder he was confused! Jared needs to  _ see  _ Richard present.  That’s how bears do it.  At least, that’s how Richard assumes bears do it.  He doesn’t actually know that much about bears.

 

“Drink this,” Jared says, holding the glass out to Richard.  Richard releases the blanket, allowing it to pool around his ankles.  With a coy smile, he reaches for the glass. Jared is once more pointedly avoiding looking at Richard.   _ This won’t do _ , Richard thinks.  He seductively takes a sip.  He spills half the glass down his front.  Sexily. He assumes it’s sexy. He hopes it’s sexy.

 

“Oh, Richard!” Jared exclaims.  You must be so cold!” Jared comes behind him, picks up the blanket and wraps it around Richard’s shoulders.  Richard has Jared exactly where he wants him, arms encircling his chest, pulling Richard back against him. Richard leans his head to the side, baring his neck so Jared can kiss him, claim him.  Jared leans in closer, and murmurs in Richard’s ear, “let me make up the couch for you.”

 

Richard jumps away, letting the blanket fall once more to the floor.  “What? No! I can’t go to  _ sleep, _ we- you  _ said  _ we would talk!”

 

“Richard,” Jared says gently, picking up the blanket, “you’re clearly too drunk to have a rational conversation.  We can talk in the morning. Now come here, I’ll find some pajamas for you.” Jared steps forward with the blanket, cautiously, as if trying not to spook him.  Richard runs to the living room.

 

“No!  Jared, Jared, listen, I- I can talk.  I need to tell you something.”

 

“You can tell me once you’re in pajamas,” Jared says softly.  He has Richard cornered. He lunges forward, attempting to capture him in the blanket, but Richard is too quick, and he jumps onto the couch.

 

“I need to tell you now!” Richard counters.  He knows it’s silly, but he feels like if he’s not naked, if he’s not in this raw, animalistic state, he’ll never have the courage to tell Jared how he feels.  “Jared, I’m in love with you!” he shouts. Then he wiggles his ass in what he hopes is a tantalizing way, runs to the other side of the couch, jumps off the end, and stumbles face first to the ground.

 

“Richard!” Jared cries, rushing over to him, still clutching that goddamn blanket.  “Are you alright?” 

 

“Mhm,” Richard mumbles.  Fortunately, the incredible amount of tequila in his system has made Richard boneless, and he didn’t tense up when he fell, thus minimizing injury.  He still doesn’t feel  _ great _ , though.  He probably skinned his elbows, and his knees are going to hurt tomorrow, but it doesn’t matter, none of it matters, because he did it.  He told Jared how he felt. He looks up at Jared, a hopeful (if dazed) expression on his face. “So?”

 

“So what, Richard?  Can you move your legs?  How many fingers am I holding up?”

 

“I’m fine!  I’m fine! So now you tell me.  I told you, so now you have to tell.  Do you love me? Jared, do you love me?”  

 

Jared smiles sadly, and runs his hand through Richard’s hair.  ‘Richard, you’re very drunk. Let me get you some pajamas. You can sleep in my bed, I’ll take the couch.”  He gets up and makes his way to the bedroom, presumably to get Richard some pajamas. Richard lays his head down on the cool wood floor and tries not to cry.

 

It’s a little unfair, Richard thinks, for Jared to dress Richard in a pair of his plaid pj bottoms and a t-shirt that reads “Starlings are Darlings.”  It’s a little unfair of Jared to coax him into his warm bed that smells so distinctly of Jared. It’s a little unfair of him to place a glass of water on the bedside table and a trashcan next to the bed, just in case, to whisper “sweet dreams, Richard,” as he closes the door behind him.  It’s a little unfair of him to do all those things when Richard loves him and Jared doesn’t love him back. Richard buries his face in Jared’s pillow and lets himself cry. 

 

The next morning, Richard awakes with a pounding headache, an upset stomach, and a foul taste in his mouth from throwing up in the trash can Jared placed beside his bed.  He also wakes up to Jared sitting on the side of the bed, brushing the sweaty hair out of his face. 

 

“How did you sleep?”  Jared asks. Richard groans into the pillow.  Jared chuckles. “Here, I brought you some fresh water.  I also made waffles, if you’d like to come to the kitchen.”  Waffles sound nice. Maybe Richard will find the strength to get out of bed and go to the kitchen to get-

 

Oh.  Oh the kitchen.  Oh no oh no. Suddenly, Richard remembers all the things that happened last night, all the things that brought him to Jared’s condo in the first place and all the things that happened after.  Richard groans into the pillow again.  _ Well,  _ he thinks,  _ at least I know Jared isn’t going to hate me _ .  It would be hypocritical of Jared to drop him after last night, considering Richard once saw Jared taste-test bird seed before putting it in his bird feeder, just to make sure it was good quality.  It had been pretty cute, actually, and it was so thoughtful, so classic Jared, just one of the many reasons Richard was so head-over-heels in love with him and FUCK. Fuck fuck fuck, because that was the  _ other  _ thing that happened last night.  Not only did Richard run naked through Jared’s living room, he also told him he loved him, and Jared, well, Jared made it pretty clear the feeling wasn’t mutual.  Richard would groan into his pillow again, but Jared has lifted him into a sitting position and pressed the water glass against his lips. Richard drinks, because god damn, he’s thirsty, but the whole situation is so ludicrously awkward. 

 

“Um, thank you,” Richard says as Jared pulls the glass way from his mouth.  “I’m sorry about last night.” 

 

Jared blushes.  “Oh, don’t worry about it.  We’ve all done silly things while drunk.  One time in college, I prank called my senator, asking him to lift restrictions on the sale of unpasteurized cheese.”  Jared chuckles to himself and shakes his head. “I get it. We’ve all said things we don’t mean.”

 

Richard wrinkles his nose.  What did he say that he didn’t mean?  The evening before is a little blurry, and while Richard doesn’t  _ feel  _ like he was blackout drunk, well, if there were gaps in his memory, Richard wouldn’t exactly know about them, right?  

 

“Are you ready for some waffles?” Jared asks.  Richard nods, and lifts himself from the bed gingerly.  He follows Jared into the kitchen.  _ What did I say that I didn’t mean?  Oh God, I didn’t say all that animal sex stuff out  _ loud,  _ Did I?  But even if I did, that’s not really something I didn’t mean.   _

 

In the kitchen, Jared places a large waffle on a plate and slides it to Richard.  “They’re blueberry,” he informs him. “I figured this way we could get our daily fruit in!”  

 

“What did I say that I didn’t mean?”  Richard blurts.

 

What?”  

 

“You said we’ve all said things we don’t mean when we’re drunk, but what did I say that I didn't mean?  I can’t remember.”

“Oh,” Jared says.  He looks down at his lap.  “Well, you said, it was quite silly really, you said you were in love with me.”

 

“No, no, I meant that,” Richard corrects.  “What else did I say?” 

 

Jared’s eyes shoot up, a shocked expression on his face.   _ What? _ Richard thinks.   _ Oh. OH. _ _ Richard you idiot!  _ He thinks.   _ Jared was giving you a fucking out, and you didn’t take it!  You just  _ had  _ to correct him, didn’t you, you pedantic piece of shit.   _

 

“Oh, um, in that case, I suppose you didn’t say anything you didn’t mean.”  Jared is staring at him intently. “Richard, I should tell you-”

 

“Nope,” Richard says, jumping up from his chair.  “Nope, you shouldn’t tell me anything. It’s fine, really, I think you expressed everything fine last night.”  Richard can’t face rejection right now, not explicitly, not in the cold, hard, sober, light of day. 

 

“Richard, wait-”

 

“No, really, Jared, don’t worry about it.  I get.” Richard says, stumbling toward Jared’s room.  He’s going to put his clothes on, he’s going to take a Lyft back to his place, it’s going to be okay, he just has to find his other shoe-

 

“Richard,” Jare says, poking his head into the bedroom.  “I really think we should talk.”

 

“And I really don’t.”  Richard fishes his shoe out from under the bed.  “Look, I’m not- I’m not going to make this weird at work, ok?  And if you need me to like, sign something, I don’t know, maybe a form that says ‘I’m a total fucking idiot,’ I can do that, just- not right now.”  Richard tugs his second shoe on, only to realize he hasn’t actually taken Jared’s pajamas off yet. Shit.

 

Richard, please-”

 

“Not right now!”  Richard buries his face in his hands.  He can feel tears starting to rise. Shit, shit.  The only good thing about the past 12 hours is the fact that he has so far managed to avoid crying in front of Jared.  The only scrap of dignity he has left is the fact that Jared doesn’t know how absolutely, devastatingly, heartbroken Richard is right now, and he’s determined to keep it that way.  

 

“Richard,” Jared says softly, crouching beside him.  “I love you too.”

 

Richard looks up.  Jared is staring back at him with that sappy, milky, expression Richard loves so much.  “W-What? Why didn’t you tell me that last night?”Because  _ of course  _ Richard can’t just accept Jared saying ‘I love you,’ he has to question it, get to the bottom of any fucking mystery he’s presented with instead of just being happy.

 

“You were drunk,” Jared tells him, “and I didn’t know if you really meant it.  I thought perhaps you were just particularly randy, and were saying that in the hopes that I would sleep with you.”  Jared leans forward to wipe away the tears that have in fact started to fall from Richard’s eyes. “But now I know- Oh, Richard, may I kiss you?”

 

Richard nods furiously, and Jared places his hand on Richard’s jaw and kisses him, sweetly, gently, and suddenly Richard is very, very, glad he’s human, because animals don’t kiss like this, they don’t fall in love like this.  The warm feeling in his chest is the product of 300 thousand years of evolution and the sensation of Jared’s skin against his. 

 

Jared breaks the kiss, and Richard leans forward, trying to chase Jared’s mouth with his.  “Richard, I’m glad you came over last night,” Jared murmurs.

 

“Oh yeah?”

 

“Yeah.  I enjoyed the view.”

  
  
  
  
  
  
  


**Author's Note:**

> Thanks to emef, anactoriatalksback, Joycecarolnotes, and Not_the_marimba for beta-ing!


End file.
